I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
