My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
