You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Is Oprah even human
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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