Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
