I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Randomize
