Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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