I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
