I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
