Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Randomize
