you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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