He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
last night I used snow as a chaser
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