I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
