Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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