We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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