I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize