I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
