I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
