I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
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I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
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My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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