Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
