I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Randomize
