is your mom at the bar?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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