I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Randomize
