the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
