Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
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