If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Randomize
