I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
