We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
On the food pyramid big dick are "sometimes foods"
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
