i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Randomize
