News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Randomize
