so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
