Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
