I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
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Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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