I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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