People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
