You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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