I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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