Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
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