I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it