I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
27 Common Occurrences Everyone Can Relate To But No One Talks About
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.