Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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