the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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