sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
time to smoke my breakfast
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
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