I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
