I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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