just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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