When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Randomize