Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
