Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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