You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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