When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
