What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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