Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
