Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
