Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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