i wish my penis had a tongue
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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