(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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