Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Randomize
